Rabid rightwinger Natalie Elphicke has become the latest Tory MP to defect into the open arms of Starmer’s Labour Party.
Within hours of Elphicke crossing the aisle in Parliament, social media was alight with ‘Welcome to Labour’ memes, mocking the party’s embrace of such open reactionaries.
Various infamous villains and reprobates – from Star Wars’ Emperor Palpatine to serial killer Rose West – would be equally at home in the Labour Party these days, the satirical tweets and posts implied.
View this post on Instagram
Even some Blairites have expressed concern about the inclusion of a figure as reprehensible as Elphicke in the party. Right-wing Labour MP Jess Phillips claimed that “this will need some explaining”.
Thankfully for Jess, the explanation is quite simple: Labour is now seen as approachable by the most vulgar layers of the ruling class and its representatives.
Labour chair Anneliese Dodds described Elphicke as “a good, natural fit” for the party. And she’s not wrong. (As they say, even a broken clock is right twice a day.)
Since taking the helm, Starmer has made it his sole ambition to make Labour a safe pair of hands for British capitalism, as the establishment loses control of an increasingly erratic Tory party.
Elphicke has been consistent in attacking workers, trade unions, and some of the most vulnerable people in society. In March 2022, she even found time to accidentally protest against herself – joining a demonstration in her Dover constituency against the jobs massacre at P&O Ferries.
With cretins and imbeciles like Elphicke, it is fair to say that the ruling class really do get the representation that they deserve. She’s a perfect fit for Starmer’s Labour: a party that is already getting its betrayals in, before it even takes power.
Andrew Macknight, Tyneside
Pirates and profiteers
When P&O boss Peter Hebblethwaite was questioned in Parliament recently about the dismal pay that his staff receive, one of his inquisitors asked if he was a “modern-day pirate”.
After such a harsh line of questioning, this comrade feels compelled to write in defence of pirates.
It is true that the pirates of old stole from passing ships and poorly-defended coasts. But the captain always knew better than to fleece his own crew!
Historically, the pay disparity on your average pirate ship was no more than 2:1 between the skipper and any member of the crew. And there was a very good reason for this: unhappy sailors would mutiny; and such power struggles could be deadly on the treacherous high seas.
Compare this to the astronomical £500,000 that Hebblethwaite took home last year, and the measly £4.87 per hour made by P&O seafarers.
With corporate fat-cats continuing to make record profits, while ordinary workers face inflation and wage stagnation, it’s about time we took notes from the ancient pirates.
Make the bosses walk the plank! Kick the capitalists overboard!
Sarah Nankervis, Oxford
Dangerous future
In a recent speech on UK security, PM Rishi Sunak suggested that: “The next few years will be some of the most dangerous – yet most transformational – that our country has ever known.”
Sunak certainly oozes with the arrogance of a well-heeled class that has never known the dilemma of heating-or-eating. But his words may be truer than he thinks.
One parliamentary report revealed that mothers in Sunderland were terminating pregnancies, as they can’t afford the costs of a new baby. Mortgage rates and rents are on the rise, despite mould, bedbugs, and rats plaguing Britain’s housing stock. And one-in-five schools now has a food bank.
All the while, the bosses are raking in megaprofits, and out-of-touch MPs are granting themselves pay rises.
The future is dangerous, yes. For the working class, as Lenin rightly remarked, capitalism is “horror without end”.
RM, North London
Inclusive exclusion
Women of the world, rejoice! At long last, a progressive wave is sweeping through the secretive corridors of London’s elite gentlemen clubs! Last week, the Garrick Club voted to accept female members for the first time in its 193-year history.
Historically, these clubs have provided a sanctuary to the beleaguered rich and powerful – the lords, but no ladies – of the British establishment; a venue for perhaps making a backroom deal or two before the night is out.
Now, finally, women will not be excluded from these pleasures.
Keen to not have their feminist credentials bested by the Garrick, gentleladies and girl-bosses alike may soon walk the hallowed halls of the Beefsteak Club, the East India Club (its origins exactly as you’d imagine), and more.
All an applicant will need now, man or woman, is a prestigious private education under their belt; plenty of wealth; preferably some kind of aristocratic title; and the backing of two or three members already on the inside to vouch for them. The future truly is female!
Of course, once we’re all done popping our bottles of champagne to celebrate this massive blow against the brutal oppression that women face every day, we are left wondering: what exactly are they doing for ordinary women again?
Mia FD, London
