Westminster’s politicians have yet another ‘tough decision’ to make: except this time it’s not about how cruelly to attack the working class, or which minorities to scapegoat, but how to save the crumbling Houses of Parliament.
Of the two options, the first would see both chambers vacant for 24 years at a princely sum of £15.6 billion, while the second – where only the House of Lords would have to give up their cushy seats – could inflate the cost to an astonishing £39 billion and take 61 years (that’s twice as long as it took to build in the first place).
According to current climate projections, Westminster will likely be underwater by then. Flood defences and life rafts might prove more sensible investments.
Other buildings have been proposed for the meantime, but some peers aren’t keen on leaving. Lord Dobbs in particular worries that ordinary people’s disgust with the House of Lords means “it’s very possible we will go off […] and never come back”.
Eton’s old boys will surely miss their trips to the proverbial ‘Colombian room’ to powder their noses, their subsidised meals and drinks, and all the other comforts that the Palace of Westminster has to offer. But urgent action is needed.
Since 2016 alone, there have been 36 fire incidents in parliament, as well as numerous cases of falling masonry, exposed asbestos, leaking ceilings, and “exploding toilets” – as if there wasn’t enough excrement shooting out of Sir Keir’s mouth.
In typical parliamentary fashion, MPs and Lords have dragged their feet on this issue for a decade. In Lord Hain’s words, a potential disaster would backfire against the politicians who “dodged and weaved and kicked the can down the road”.
Even the ‘crown jewel’ of bourgeois democracy – the ‘mother of all parliaments’ – has been neglected by our degenerate ruling class, who can only despair while their seat of power crumbles apart. The metaphors write themselves these days.
Well, if they can’t make up their mind, why not consider some renovation à la Guy Fawkes? It’ll certainly help with balancing those books they keep talking about.
